I did so well yesterday. I think I did well enough on my Bio final not to fail. I drew a comic. I also finally figured out the name of that guy that had been talking to me for half the semester without having to ask him. I'm not really sure where I fucked it up.
So, now I'm compulsively refreshing my inbox and checking my phone just to see if I didn't hear it ring. Unfortunately, I've missed nothing.
I know what happened. He thinks I was ignoring him. I wasn't, but it doesn't matter what I was doing. How it made him feel is what's important. I could make this whole thing stop with one sentence, but I'm not going to do it. It'd be a lie if I did. Instead, I'm going to make a vague, almost nonsensical post about in my LJ.
I'm taking things for granted. Or so I'm told.
That's funny. I hadn't noticed, but then again, I guess you never do when it's something like that.
Looks like I'm wrong again.
I've been sleeping so strange at night
side effects they don't advertize.
I've got no plans and too much time
I'm too restless to unwind
There's a girl I've known for a long time. I thought she was amazing. I thought, “She knows who she is. She knows what she wants.” I was proud just to know her. She taught me that it's okay to be the person you want to be, no matter who might look at you funny. She could (so I could) say whatever nonsense came to her mind and make people happy to hear it, she could like silly, abstract stuffed animals, watch kid shows, sing along at the top of her lungs with radio. She had the courage to do all this completely unapologetically and without shame.
For all that I want to praise her. I want her to know and understand how fantastic it is that does those things. I want to do this because I'm afraid that no one else will. But the problem is, how? You can't just walk up and say it. You can't pull them aside and spill it all out. The act of verbalizing a compliment like that leaves you stuck in a moment of unease. The complimenter waits for the reaction while the complimented wonders if it is an honest gesture. So, I've never said of this to her.
Instead, I teased her like I do everyone else. I talked to her about mundane things. I tried to share some of what I knew with her so I could say that I taught her something. Maybe so I could pretend that I had a part in making her amazing. I introduced her to my friends. I let them treat her the way they treat everyone with only slight and vague protests when I feared they were getting too aggressive. I never told them how special she was.
Now I'm left to wonder; is it my fault that I feel this way about her now? If I'd done something, said something, not said something, would this all have still happened? Isn't that egotistical of me to believe I played a part in this? Should I instead blame her solely? She didn't know what to expect, she couldn't possibly have dealt with all this, she's far too young and desperate for attention to have fully understood the consequences. All of the rationalizing in the world doesn't make this feeling go away. This twisting feeling, the irritated anger I can't control when I think of what's happening now. I want to make her an innocent victim, but she refuses to be that. And as long as she refuses it, I can't give it to her.
I wanted to be the mentor, but I don't have the patience for it. I'm not so much the protector type and no one would take me seriously if I tried to take the role. I've always been more of the watcher. I should learn to stay that way. Involving myself in these situations never seems to help anyone. Least of all me.
You know who you are and you know what you've done. Own the fuck up because it's too late now to play the didn't-know-better-card.
On another note, can we talk about how incredible Christian Kane is? He's hot, he's talented, and, big bonus here, he's a musician. And he lived in Oklahoma for a while. Props for that. Someone's gotta help make this place cooler.
At jovo behest I finally broke down and watched Angel. I'd watched it in spurts before, but I was always a Buffy fan first. So, when they moved Buffy to UPN, I just kinda stopped watching Angel. That is until season 5 when Spike jumped shows.
I wasn't very impressed in the beginning. I mean, a whole bunch of Angel saving the pretty blond girl, episode after episode. Mostly it just pissed me off. Then there was Lindsey McDonald.
I eventually came to realize all the characters were worth loving, every single one of them was incredibly complex. But Lindsey is the one that really did it for me. Well, and Lorne, but that's another story.
Back to Lindsey. He wanted more than anything for someone to care enough to save him. And what happens? Angel goes off and betrays him. Blind Date, Angel knowingly deviates from the plan, then refuses to go back and help Lindsey. When Lindsey comes back around, what does Angel do? He treats him like shit. All of Angel's talk about helping the helpless, everything he did for Faith, and he couldn't bring himself to help Lindsey.
Now, here's where I geek out and go too far into it. I think Angel was projecting like mad. He saw a man straddling sides and couldn't help but push his own insecurities onto Lindsey.
Anyway, I've finally made it back up to season 5. Its sad when you realize everything you love is going to go away. I remember how this show ends.
I need to learn some time management skills.
This is mostly an "I'm not dead" post.
And I'm done. Off to:
Read six more chapter of philosophy
write three essays
read a chapter of biology
read a chapter of history
Anyway, jovo and I made it to New Orleans only to find out there's a hurrican pretty close by. Everyone's pretty up in arms about the whole thing and keeps asking what we plan to do if it hits. JoVo says he plans to do absolutely nothing because it's his senior year and nothing will keep him from finishing.
We drove all night to get here because we're slackers to the max. We didn't leave Tulsa until 7. Even then we went in the opposite direction for a couple hours to eat at Steak and Shake in Joplin. Totally worth it. Plus, we randomly got our meal comped by the super nice manager so it pretty much paid for itself.
I hadn't really thought of school much lately but being a Tulane poser has sorta made me want to finish. Most people here think I'm a freshman and I'm kinda fine with that. Mostly it's because I'm following JoVo around the campus. We went to this career faire thing today and a woman asked me about my major. I told her english and she started telling me about all the jobs they had available to english majors. It's a little fun.
I did some checking into things and discovered I'm closest to finishing with an associates in English. I'll be able to take advantage of TCC's Repeated Courses policy which will fill in some missing credits and improve my GPA like mad.
So, my schedule for this semester is:
Monday - General Biology for Non-Majors 2p-4:50p
Introduction to Literature 5:30p - 8:20p
Tuesday - U.S. History Civil War to Present 5:30p - 8:20p
Wednesday - General Biology for Non-Majors 2p - 4:50p
Introduction to Philosophy
Survey of Brittish Literature from 1800
That leaves me still needing 23 credits, but three hours of that is computer proficiency. I can take care of that with a little test. So not worried. The rest is Math (ugh), three literature classes (I'll be reading all semester), and then two electives. Sounds simple, though my past fuck-ups would lead me to believe otherwise. I really gotta get out of this skipping class habit.
I sorta feel like I'm lying to people. I haven't told anyone the reason I want to finish so quickly is so I can get the hell outta Dodge. Maybe they won't notice?
So, new teaser. The actual story should be posted tomorrow.
( Forget-Me-Not: Giving Up the Ghost (Preview)Collapse )
If you happen to be working on some creative writing project, fanfiction or NaNoWriMo or what have you, post exactly one sentence (or more) from each of your current work(s) in progress in your journal. It should probably be your favorite or most intriguing sentence so far, but what you choose is entirely your discretion. Mention the title (and genre) if you like, but don't mention anything else -- this is merely to whet the general appetite for your forthcoming work(s).
Cory absently scribbled in his notebook as they waited for class to start. "And she wears that all the time. Everything is the same cut and style. I swear, her closet is full clothes exactly like that in different colors. Did you know she taught and failed her own sister?" -F for Effot, BuffyWolf (Firestarter)
An older woman sat behind a pane of bullet proof glass reading a trashy romance novel. As he watched, the cover of the book shifted. It started as a picture of an attractive brunette in the arms of a dark man, but the colors darkened. The expression on the girl's face turned to terror as the man towered over her. -Garden Full of Weeds, BuffyWolf (Dark Days)